If you live with a dog, you’ve likely surrendered the sofa long ago. You may think you own that cosy cushion fortress, but your dog has other ideas. Welcome to the Sofa Survival Guide: A Dog’s Terms and Conditions — a humorous yet painfully accurate look at the unspoken rules dogs live by when it comes to your living room throne.
Why Does My Dog Own the Sofa?
Short answer: because it’s soft. Long answer: because it’s soft, warm, smells like you, and positions them perfectly to judge everything you do. Dogs don’t just love the sofa — they inhabit it like royalty. From claiming your lap the moment you sit down to offering fierce protection when the doorbell rings, the sofa is your dog’s command centre.
The ‘If It’s Soft, It’s Mine’ Rule
This is Law Number One. If a blanket’s involved, consider it occupied. If you thought folding laundry would be productive, think again — it’s now a makeshift throne. Soft = claimed. It’s basic dog logic.
Snacks, Supervision, and Sofa Surveillance
If you’re eating within a five-mile radius of the sofa, your dog knows. They’ve clocked the rustle of a crisp packet before you’ve opened the cupboard. And if you bring shopping in? They’re observing from their sofa basecamp, supervising every bag like a furry quality-control manager.
The Sofa as Sentry Post
From flies to phantom knocks, dogs take their role as sofa guardians very seriously. You may call it “overreacting”; they call it “defensive strategy”. Sofa + dog = maximum alert level. Especially if the post comes through the door — cue sofa-staged heroics.
Ownership, Redefined
Perhaps the most important lesson is this: if you didn’t want dog hair on it, you shouldn’t have bought a sofa. Or better yet, as our dog says, “You should’ve got a goldfish.” Dogs operate by their own terms — and they make them up from the comfort of the comfiest seat in the house.
Learn the Language of Dogs with a British Twist
This Sofa Survival Guide is more than just a list of funny dog behaviours. It’s packed with British humour, dry wit, and turns of phrase that English learners and native speakers alike will enjoy. Want to see it brought to life?
Watch the Video on Our English Phrase Collection Channel
Hop over to YouTube and check out “Sofa Survival Guide: A Dog’s Terms and Conditions” on our English Phrase Collection channel. It’s short, funny, and full of phrases you’ll want to remember. If you love learning English through laughter, don’t forget to subscribe and join us for more videos where dogs teach us more than grammar ever could.
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